Reflecting on 2 years of infertility… and a stork drop practice run…

So It’s been a month or so since I’ve posted last, and I can’t say that the pacing schedule will really be any different moving forward. Honestly, even when things are happening that can be reported it just takes my brain some time to process all of it. 

In the time since I’ve posted last:

• We received our finished home study document. This was a big step and now means we are officially approved by the government to take placement of a baby.
• We put together our profile book and sent them off to print
• We submitted all of the required paperwork/applications to three different agencies/attorneys we have chosen to partner with. 
• Our profile has been presented to a few different expectant mothers

Guys.. It’s actually happening!

To answer any questions you may be thinking to yourself right now: No, we are not yet matched with an expectant mother.. And no, we have no idea when we might be bringing home a baby. 

Now, with all of that out of the way.. The substance of today’s blog is going to center around some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. 

Infertility…

Sunday, December 1 marked two years of infertility. It was a date I was keenly aware of, but had no way of knowing the emotional effects it might have on me once I got there. It hit me. No, I was not knocked down with grief on the day.. But it did stir up some sad thoughts and memories. 

I think with the holiday’s coming it’s one of those realizations of yet another Christmas is coming and going where we do not have a little one in the home to share the joy of Christmas with. For two years now we’ve been saying to each other “Next Christmas we might have a baby!”. And honestly, I think I just find myself emotionally in a spot where I’m unable to let myself say it again for next year. 

While being in the adoption process is incredibly thrilling right now, and seems to be a promising prospect for us in growing our family… I find myself feeling like I’m in the exact same position as last year in terms of growing our family.

This time last year, I have distinct memories of wallowing on the couch sad that infertility was our reality. I had been diagnosed with PCOS in October, so I had reason to believe that infertility would be a real thing for us.. But it wasn’t something that was medically official for us until December. Despite all of that, I remember feeling extremely optimistic that 2019 would be our year. We would start the fertility treatments.. Surely they would work for us, they’ve worked with so many others. 

I remember watching video after video of other women sharing their infertility experience online. I remember hearing them talk about needing to take a break from trying to conceive and being unable to fathom the idea of taking a break from trying to conceive. 

Yet, here I sit in December of 2019. Having decided to take a break starting in June of 2019… And not starting back since then.. 

I’ve hesitated with the idea of writing this blog post in particular. While on the one hand, I never want to be disingenuous with the struggles I have and the infertility experience… I also hate the idea of just dumping negative feelings and experiences to people without any sort of positive spin or outlook.

I think it’s just difficult to sit in the hard stuff and just allow myself to let it be hard. You see, I’m a fixer and I have a strong desire to fix things… This is something that I cannot fix, so sometimes I prefer to just pretend it’s not there. And that’s the honest truth. 

With all of that being said, I would like to share how God really showed up in that moment earlier this week and while I sat in those emotions. But before I do, I just want to say something that I’m still learning how to accept myself. Just because we’re on this thrilling adoption journey does not mean the pain of infertility has gone away. The story I’m about to share does not mean I was perfectly able to sew up all of the sad feelings from infertility. BUT it was a great comfort to me to see how God was still working in our life. And like, also, God just knew I needed a distraction and something else to focus on. So I appreciate that God!

A Practice Run…

We had our first practice run Monday morning for a “stork drop”. (A “stork drop” is just a clever adoption term for a case in which the baby has already been born and the mother is wanting to make an adoption plan.)

In our case, we received an e-mail from one of our agencies Monday morning at 10:15 about a baby that had been born on Sunday afternoon. The family that the mother chose would need to be at the hospital the next day for the babies discharge. 

The timing was crazy, not 30 minutes earlier a friend reached out to see if I was okay, and I was nearly in tears thinking about how I was not okay because of infertility. Like, someone who doesn’t cry ever in front of people, was almost in tears in our daily prayer time with our church staff. I had just gotten done telling this friend that Christmas coming up is hard because it’s yet another Christmas without a baby. And then BOOM.. It was like God was asking “so… I hear you want a baby before Christmas?”

So.. Zach and I said yes.. And our profile was presented to the mother. Honestly, this couldn’t of been any crazier of a time to try and pull all of this off. These next two weeks at work are absolutely INSANE… and it’s all work I’m very passionate about… and that I didn’t really want to have to let go.. 

But, I was trying to be faithful. I made a Target list ready to go for a drive-up pickup for different baby items we’d be needing quickly. Meanwhile, Zach and I had to keep living our life as if nothing would be changing… while also juggling the fact that EVERYTHING could be changing..

So we kept living our life and did our normal routine. We went to the gym but I kept my phone nearby with the ringtone as loud as it could get.

While at the gym I got the news… The mother had chosen another family. 

This wasn’t the first “no” we’ve received. For those nosy following along, we’ve heard 3 “no’s” already. Honestly, God has given us so much peace with each “no” we have heard so far. This one was no different. 

God knew I needed a distraction and a reminder of the good things He has ahead for us. Does it erase the pain I had been feeling… absolutely not. 

If you’re going through something right now that honestly just stinks. It’s okay to call a spade a spade! That’s something I’m still learning how to do…