COVID-19 and the jumbled mess that is my brain…

The last blog post I wrote was answering a few common questions about open adoption… and boy has a lot changed in life since then!

When I was writing that blog post the chatter and buzz surrounding the “Coronavirus” (I use it in air quotes.. because honestly, that’s how I felt at that time) was just beginning to get loud. If we’re being honest, when we made our trip to visit our expectant mother and the circling conversation was about impacts from the coronavirus I remember rolling my eyes several times thinking we were making something out of nothing.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

I vividly remember having conversations with my parents and them asking what Zach and I are doing to prepare… what our church is doing to prepare… what our work plans were if things got shut down.

I thought my parents had gone nuts. SURELY the government wouldn’t shut down society.

I’m sure by now we know how the rest of that story has played out…

I’m embarking on week 5 of working from home and exclusively online church services. Despite having society shut down, my workload has almost increased two-fold. This week was the first week where the work load seemed to be leveling out and I felt like I was relaxing into the “new normal”.

Let me just say, so far I hate this “new normal”.

It’s interesting though, because in some ways it mirrors Spring of 2019 for me. But in a different way. Spring of 2019 so many things were taken away from me as I was reminded yet again who was really in control (*hint: it’s not me*)

My heart feels so deeply for couples who were currently going through fertility treatments that have just suddenly been cancelled due to this COVID-19 outbreak. Honestly, I constantly have to stop from putting myself in their shoes and thought exercises of “what if this had happened this time last year…” because the thought exercise is just too painful.

The thing that keeps me sane is remembering that I’m not in control, but I know who is… and the one who is trustworthy.

There is no dissertation in my head to back up that statement… and some days it’s easier to grab onto than others. You’ve surely seen by now how difficult it is for me to give up control, but how many times does someone have to fall on their face before they do? Let me know when you find that answer…

ANYWHO.

You’re probably just as overwhelmed with everyone talking about the coronavirus as I am… So now for the real reason you’ve probably come to read this blog.

An adoption update!

In the last blog I mentioned we were planning to make two more visits to see our expectant mother before “go-time” in June. Well, the first of those visits was supposed to take place the first weekend of April and was understandably cancelled due to the circumstances surrounding COVID-19.

The second visit was supposed to be the first weekend of May, and even if big changes were to happen and travel would suddenly be allowed again… it still probably will not happen given new work responsibilities surrounding this crisis.

There is very little room for expectations on the adoption journey, but nonetheless you still form expectations for how things will play out.. and it is still hard when you have to mourn the loss of those expectations. Not only out of selfishness of your own feelings in the process, but also because of the loss of that support for our expectant mother.

This crisis has been incredibly difficult for me. It’s hard when you start to think about the negative impact it is also having in her life. And then just add being pregnant on top of it. It’s a lot.

We’ve been trying to keep in touch though through text, but it just isn’t the same. And for anyone who has now become an expert in Zoom, I’m sure you can relate.

Other than that, there really isn’t much of an update to give in the way of adoption news. We just continue to wait….

What do you want to know?

Suddenly I find myself with lots of time at home… Which means a lot more free time to do things like write blog posts. Do you have any questions about our adoption, or experience with infertility, or those topics in general? Let me know!