Today at 3:30 we received the news from our adoption agency that our expectant mother had officially withdrawn from our adoption plan.
We just experienced a disrupted adoption.
The following is my real and raw feelings in the heat of the moment. I make no guarantees that they are feelings I will hold tomorrow, or even ten minutes from now. But nonetheless they are the feelings I have right now.
Without going into the mechanics of how our adoption fell apart or why it fell apart. I do want to make sure that this is stated upfront: I have no ill feelings towards this expectant mother. I have every reason to believe this expectant mother was sincere in her original desire to make an adoption plan and that due to circumstances I won’t share, she changed her mind. There are so many ways in which our expectant mother could have easily acted out of selfish motive and taken advantage of us and she did not.
I have nothing but love for her. She has a long road ahead of her, but I believe she will continue to be an absolutely incredible mother for her son… This decision couldn’t have been easy, and I have full confidence that the decision was made out of love and what she felt was best for her son. I support her 100% in the decision she has made and wish her nothing but the best.
I do not want to gloss over the pain of a failed adoption. Because it is painful. But I would be lying to you today if I represented myself as a weeping mess.
Have I weeped? Absolutely!
Will I probably weep some more? Absolutely!
However, it’s hard to explain the profound sense of peace and freedom I feel in light of this news. You hear people say this all the time in times of considerable grief. Yet, I’m usually the one with my BS meter going off scoffing when I hear people say it. Thinking they were making it all up to come across as “strong” or “more spiritual”
But guys, I feel so much peace and optimism in light of this.
Since December, when we were matched, I’ve had this cloud of anxiety hanging over me. It’s just never felt “right”. I tried to convince myself of all of the ways it was right. And Zach was a huge rock in this, never once wavering in his feeling that things were going to work out.
Never feeling like there was a clear closed door ahead of me, I soldiered on.
In the past month that anxiety ramped up into overdrive. Almost to the point of being debilitating. Which is always fun to deal with in the middle of a global pandemic and your whole job responsibilities changing… and now you’re working from home!
Three weeks ago I noticed that over and over again stories of failed adoptions were coming to my attention. Whether it was through suggested videos on Youtube, or a book that I read. I couldn’t shake them.
I mentioned to Zach at that time that I had this strange sense that God was trying to prepare us for a failed adoption. Orrrr that maybe this was spiritual warfare trying to get me all frazzled. WHO COULD KNOW RIGHT?!
It was from that point that my anxiety almost became too much.
Fast forward to this week: I had kind of just resolved within myself that this was how it was going to be until after the delivery and parental rights had been terminated. And I was not a fan.
After hearing the news from our caseworker this afternoon.. and having a good ol’ fashioned cry fest… it’s as if that weight of anxiety is just completely gone.
While I don’t know what the future holds for us, it’s just hard to shake the feeling that whatever it is… it’s going to be good.
So where do we go from here?
Everything I’m about to share with you we reserve complete rights to change our minds on… But….
After discussing it some, Zach and I feel the best thing for us is to jump right back in to the adoption journey. There are a few things we’d like to do differently and there are a few questions we now know to ask upfront. But we feel like that is the direction we’ll go.
We’re still in the process of figuring out where we are left financially from this failed adoption. While we haven’t lost all of our money… we expect it to be significant and are still trying to decide what that means for us. But we have confidence that God will provide in every way, so we are trusting in whatever that next opportunity God has for us.
Zach and I have some pretty lofty dreams together, and they took a hit today. But we’ll be okay and will come out stronger on the other side. I’m very much looking forward to seeing what God is up to with all of this one day.
Until then I rest in the reminder a good friend sent to me today, before we even received this bad news:
God doesn’t take you through a journey and then leave you at the end.
God hasn’t left us, he’s still working all of this out for His glory!
Growing A to Z 
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